my first entry. . . When it comes to writing, I tend to not jot down my thoughts which is kind of a bad idea, considering later I overthink what i thought about, and seem less articulate than I am. Or maybe I'm not articulate in the first place; I like to believe I am introspective and have complex thoughts, but maybe it's all in my head

watever… for starters, i think this journal will be all over the place, since clearly i am quite scatterbrained. ideas come and go, i probably ruminate on certain thoughts for way too long, while others fleet away within a second. that being said, the next couple of paragraphs may contain some cynical thoughts, be aware!

i've had a month or so to gather my thoughts and emotions since my mother passed away. i don't think anybody knows how to deal with grief or loss in a 'right' way, whatever that means. it's truly one of mysteries in the world. one of my friends asked me whether it's easier to grasp the death of my mother, because of her terminal diagnosis having been made 2 years ago. i considered this for a long time. but the truth is, it might as well have made it harder. i've had to mourn my mother for two years she was still living; i mourned her soul, her energy, her mobility, her being without pain. because for those two years and probably year prior to diagnosis, she has been suffering. the pain she has been through is unimaginable, and i cannot verbally describe what she has gone through, for one because i will choke up and lose my words, but also because she has suffered so deeply in all ways possible more than I can ever think of. i've rolled in this anticipatory grief for two years, and for the rest of my life i will live with deep regrets and what if's. i haven't described her last moments with me to anyone, but here i will say, my heart aches with sorrow and guilt and regret, because i have no idea whether i did more harm then good because my mother was unable to verbalize anything. every day i think of how i might have made her last hours more painful. i don't know if this guilt will ever go away. every day i tear up in frustration, wondering what she would have wanted for every decision that i make. knowing i am unable to fulfill her last wishes for me, i reside in guilt. maybe the only emotion i will ever feel for the rest of my life is guilt. guilt for not being more caring, guilt for going to university, guilt for not studying, guilt for questioning religion, guilt for not being heteronormative, guit for not being normal, guilt for not being a good daughter, guilt for existing.

i would never put myself in a position of physical harm, but if i were to mysteriously pass away tomorrow morning, maybe it'll be for the better. i think i am not human most days, because i am not living. i breathe, sleep, and eat, but nothing more.

anyways! ummm trigger warning over, let's be happy now Enhypen came out with a new album which is actually fire #GoodbyeHeeseung, although I missed the concert I was supposed to attend in July, maybe I'll be able to go to another concert later!! i really really want to go to a beabadoobee concert, she's coming to my city, but i have nobody to go with, and it's on a thursday, eughhhhhhhh i am so excited for pylon; the three songs that are out now are so good I am in love with her. we'll see if i can somehow convince one of my friends to attend with me… hmph…

here lies my second entry. i got back from my mini euro trip the day before yesterday. honestly, i think it might've been too soon for me; on the other hand, i don't know if there'll ever be enough time passed. i mainly went on this trip for my dad, because it hurts to see him in pain everyday, and i want him to have people to talk to. he is a big family person, including all relatives, so i assume some burdens are needed off his chest.

throughout the entire trip we are staying with my older cousin who is probably around thirty eight years old and who i've only seen three times, once last summer when she visited with my niece to see my mother, and once in 2017 when i was probably around twelve years old. while she is a nice person, enough, i simply am a closed off person; if i have nothing to say, i won't say anything. constantly being seen as moody or sad because of being silent DOES funnily enough make me moody. her and her family all assume that i am constantly in a bad mood, and it pisses me off, because i genuinely am not bothering anyone. while they are maybe good people at heart, they also just piss me off. maybe this is just a cultural issue and difference, but i absolutely despise when people judge others for things they cannot change, like the color of their skin, and constatnly sterotyping and ok, just blatantly being racist. it just annoys me to my core, but i cannot speak up without ruining everything, so i stay silent, because i would have no response to goading me into following their remarks and making my own racist jokes. i am not that kind of person, and it irks me. if you are so religious and follow a religion that inherently is solely about peace and forgiveness and kindness, why do you feel the need to judge people and make nasty comments about them, knowing they don't understand the language you are speaking? it genuinely just irritated me so bad throughout the entire trip, because it feels like every other sentence was about berating different cultures. to this i question, would you not feel hurt if these comments were made towards you? maybe i'm just sensitive, i don't know. anyways. just image that any trait that could make you stray for the heteronorm you have, was something my cousin and her family giggled and laughed and seemed disgusted about.

although i knew this would be the outcome, i was still a bit disappointed by the fact that the only thing that we really did in paris and london and manchester was just going to dawats, people that i do not know and do not feel comfortable around. in paris, it was mainly with my dad's friends from high school that he maybe hasn't seen in fourty years, so i couldn't really blame him for wanting to see them, but in manchester me and my dad did not know these people, and more often than not we had to attend these dawats after long days of traveling. just a bit annoying.

also, throughout the entire trip, i just felt so belittled. nobody thinks of me as anything more than hopeless and useless and apparently everything that i do is incorrect and ughhhhhhhh. i'm tired of feeling like this and i miss my mama. she knows me and even if she doesnt she loves me and takes care of me and i miss sleeping in bed with her cuddling and being close to her. i think i could not see any sights without thinking of my mami, and i missed her so muuch and i wish i couldve been kinder to her and i wish we couldve had more time together and i wish my dad wouldve been kinder to her and i wish we couldve been happier. if she went to paris with us she wouldve loved to see the eiffel tower and she wouldve wanted to pose cutely in front of it and everyone would've grumbled and she wouldve just wanted cute pictures and now im sad because i miss my mama.

also i gained a lot of weight and my health is lowkey deteriorating and i just felt fat as fuck in every single picture like i hate taking pictures because i hate seeing myself in them so now its like ok wow i just wasted two weeks in europe.

also i totally have issues because i think i have a fear of making decisions and a fear of people knowing who i am and what i like and a fear of being judged so i just stay silent and blank out when anybody asks me to make a decision and choose something or when someone asks me any of my favorite things and i dont know i just wish i felt comfortable being myself. terrible terrible traits but i think this comes from my expectations of not living past sixteen and now its four years later and i'm still here and i pray every day that maybe i'll just die somehow soon without anybody being harmed except myself except i'm too scared to take matters into my own hands so the only thing i can do is hope. and i wish that one day maybe i'll just walk into the water at the beach and it'll sweep me away and i'll be gone, the ocean taking me wherever it will, except i don't know how to swim and drowning probably hurts a lot. whatever….