my first entry. . . When it comes to writing, I tend to not jot down my thoughts which is kind of a bad idea, considering later I overthink what i thought about, and seem less articulate than I am. Or maybe I'm not articulate in the first place; I like to believe I am introspective and have complex thoughts, but maybe it's all in my head

watever… for starters, i think this journal will be all over the place, since clearly i am quite scatterbrained. ideas come and go, i probably ruminate on certain thoughts for way too long, while others fleet away within a second. that being said, the next couple of paragraphs may contain some cynical thoughts, be aware!

i've had a month or so to gather my thoughts and emotions since my mother passed away. i don't think anybody knows how to deal with grief or loss in a 'right' way, whatever that means. it's truly one of mysteries in the world. one of my friends asked me whether it's easier to grasp the death of my mother, because of her terminal diagnosis having been made 2 years ago. i considered this for a long time. but the truth is, it might as well have made it harder. i've had to mourn my mother for two years she was still living; i mourned her soul, her energy, her mobility, her being without pain. because for those two years and probably year prior to diagnosis, she has been suffering. the pain she has been through is unimaginable, and i cannot verbally describe what she has gone through, for one because i will choke up and lose my words, but also because she has suffered so deeply in all ways possible more than I can ever think of. i've rolled in this anticipatory grief for two years, and for the rest of my life i will live with deep regrets and what if's. i haven't described her last moments with me to anyone, but here i will say, my heart aches with sorrow and guilt and regret, because i have no idea whether i did more harm then good because my mother was unable to verbalize anything. every day i think of how i might have made her last hours more painful. i don't know if this guilt will ever go away. every day i tear up in frustration, wondering what she would have wanted for every decision that i make. knowing i am unable to fulfill her last wishes for me, i reside in guilt. maybe the only emotion i will ever feel for the rest of my life is guilt. guilt for not being more caring, guilt for going to university, guilt for not studying, guilt for questioning religion, guilt for not being heteronormative, guit for not being normal, guilt for not being a good daughter, guilt for existing.

i would never put myself in a position of physical harm, but if i were to mysteriously pass away tomorrow morning, maybe it'll be for the better. i think i am not human most days, because i am not living. i breathe, sleep, and eat, but nothing more.

anyways! ummm trigger warning over, let's be happy now Enhypen came out with a new album which is actually fire #GoodbyeHeeseung, although I missed the concert I was supposed to attend in July, maybe I'll be able to go to another concert later!! i really really want to go to a beabadoobee concert, she's coming to my city, but i have nobody to go with, and it's on a thursday, eughhhhhhhh i am so excited for pylon; the three songs that are out now are so good I am in love with her. we'll see if i can somehow convince one of my friends to attend with me… hmph…